i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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