thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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