i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
