Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
