I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
