My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So many bounce houses so little time
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Randomize
