Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
