is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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