thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
