i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
