I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
