So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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