Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i drank out of a bidet.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
