Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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