Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
