Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
