i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
