I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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