hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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