was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
