you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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