toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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