You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
