so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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