I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
