Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
