My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
