She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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