I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
