So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
