If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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