You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
