dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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