I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
