I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
