I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Im part way to drunk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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