Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
