My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize