I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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