i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
