Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
