just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
