kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
