Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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