i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
