my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just tell him i said nine months
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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