I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
