theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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