I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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