I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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