Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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