I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
