I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
