I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
