And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
