I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you inspire me to be a worse person
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
